I met Nolan Ryan last month when I first talked to Ryan and Annie about coming to Allentown. I knew he was a great pitcher and that he’s in the Hall of Fame. And after talking to him a little bit, I knew that I’d like working with him. But I wanted to know more about him. So Jay and I went to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown.

It turns out there’s a lot to know about The Express. I think he may be the greatest living pitcher. Sorry Alex.

There’s a room where they have baseball cards. They have cards of people you’ve heard of and of people you haven’t. They have Nolan Ryan cards. And one of the cards shows Nolan Ryan with a bloody lip. He was hit by a ball and it busted his lip. and he just kept on pitching with the blood coming out. That’s tough.

And there’s also the story about him pitching a guy named Robin Ventura inside and hitting him. And Ventura rushes the mound. Nolan got him in a headlock and punched him five times. That’s the only time anyone’s gotten five hits off Nolan in a single game.

While I was at the Hall, I ran into Providence’s Paul Pepper. I thought he looked familiar and I asked him if I’d met him at a party. Jay recognized him, though. He lives in the area and says he often spends time there. He knows a lot about Nolan Ryan. Nolan’s 100th win was also his 4th no-no. That’s pretty cool.

That weekend in Cooperstown was the last time Jay and I spent together. I hate saying goodbye but Jay says you have to say goodbye so you can say hello again.

I’d never been to the Angels’ complex in Coconut Creek, but it’s an amazing place. I think part of it is that it’s newer than the ‘Hawks’ facility. But it’s not just the buildings. The grounds themselves seem greener. Nolan says that it’s just coming back to spring training. That if I’d asked myself last year what I thought, I’d've said the same things. Maybe he’s right.

Spring Training is a time of promise. No one’s lost any games or made any errors or given up any home rums yet. And with the smell of the grass on the warm spring air, it seems that maybe no one will.

But if we do, it’ll be okay. Nolan is amazing. One of the first things he told us was that we shouldn’t be afraid to pitch guys inside. He said, “I don’t want y’all to be afraid to pitch a guy inside. If a guy takes exception to your pitching and tries to rush you … I guaranTEE we won’t fine you for beating the [crap] out of him.”

Gotta love that. Here’s an invitation for all you hitters. If you don’t like a pitch, come visit me in my office. I’ll be happy to discuss it with you.

Hey, what can I say? My favorite color is purple. And they’re going to paint my car. That’s not why I signed though. I think I’ll make a difference on this staff. I liked Ryan’s idea that I’d be #1 but that it wasn’t guaranteed. That is so refreshing after the flattery I’ve gotten other places. I want to be #1, don’t get me wrong. But I want to be #1 because I’ve earned it, not because it’s written on a piece of paper.

And Dirtball is an Angel, too. Make no mistake, Dirtball is about one of the best game-callers out there. Duke was the most fun of any of my battery mates. But Dirtball is the best at knowing what I want and giving it to me. He understands that I’m not an idiot and if we have different ideas of what to throw, I only need to shake him off once. He calls for what I want to throw. it works. And I swear he can read my mind sometimes. I remember a situation in my game against Buffalo. I wanted to throw a pitch in a location I normally don’t. But for this particular hitter, I did. And I was sure I was gonna need to call him out to the mound. But nope. Down went those fingers and the mitt was set and I knew we were on the same wavelength.

But signing meant a physical. And because of Aunt Katy, they sent me out to a radiology place to get a mammogram. Now most of y’all are guys so I dunno if I can describe this adequately. What they do is take your tits and attempt to flatten them. They need them thin and flat to make better images. Now, mine are high and tight, so flattening them hurts. And they do it to both sides, from multiple angles. And, because the button that does the actual picture is in another room, you get to stand there with your tits deformed while the technician walks back and forth. There is good news though. They didn’t see anything bad in the pictures.

Jay and I are pulling out of Hartford. I’ll be looking for a place in Allentown and he’s getting settled in NY. I’m going to miss Coach’s and City Steam and Mill by the River, but I’m sure there will be places to go in Allentown. And I’m missing Duke all over again. I know about all those places because of him.

Next up–Spring Training. I can’t wait to meet the boys on my new team. And the girl. To my knowledge, the only other woman in the league is Dominicia Cao. And she’s a pitcher, too. She’s a knuckleballer who pitched in AAA last year for the Lancaster Liberty. Maybe someday we’ll be on the same staff.

You’ve all heard the second-hand news. How I’m leaving Hartford to pursue my dreams. now you’re hearing it first-hand. I have a player option and I’m declining it. It’s not that I’m never going back again. I won’t rule out a return to the ‘Hawks. But I can’t pitch like this forever and I have to keep going in the direction that is best for me. Don’t do the easy thing. Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow. Don’t just pick up my option automatically. Do look at what’s out there. Do explore my options. Do think about my future.

I talked to Skip about it. He told me he was disappointed but that he understood. “I know you have to go your own way,” he said, but I know he hopes my own way leads me back to the ‘Hawks next year. And who knows but it might. I talked to Shaner, too. But’s he’s all “I don’t want to hear about why you’re leaving.” He said my reasons aren’t important to him unless they mean he’s not doing his job. And he reminded me that he’d been a player once. He said it’s better to leave when you’re ahead than to wait for the organization to kick you out.

Where will I go? Hi Jay! I’m not coming to Allentown. I love you and you make loving fun, but I’m not going to play on a team with with you. I’m not going to explain it to the lunatic–a simple “no” should be all he needs. And you already know why.

However, the cruise showed me that I can get along with Neal. And he’s a great pitcher, too. And Elmira is in the other conference. I don’t like being in the same conference as Alex Williams. That poll was like a songbird awakening me to the fact that I could easily win the CM if Alex Williams were still with Elmira. Though going there would be like following in his shadow and I don’t think I like it.

And like I said, I’m not ruling out a return to Hartford. Skip has that personal touch that I don’t think a lot of GMs have. Though I know the expansion guys both seem like personable fellows. And that reminds me, I expect Halifax will make an offer but, unless it involves muzzling Ben Thompson, I’m not going to listen very hard to what Micheal Thompson has to say.

OTOH, the flip side of following Alex Williams around is to just go to where he is. And learn from him. He can strike guys out on two pitches. It’s like there’s a little invisible chain between Alex Williams and I. He seems to figure prominently in every scenario. And maybe the chain will bring me to Halifax. I dunno if I want to get closer to him or further away.

It’s not just about the money though. I’m not some gold dust woman. I’m not the feminine version of Easy Pickens. Sure, I’m looking out for my future but I know how a big contract can cripple a team. And who wants to pitch for a crippled team. Hell, Ike got hurt and the team couldn’t pay to heal him up. That’s not right.

I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do. I called home and talked to my dad. “Oh Daddy, listen to me and give me some advice.” He told me what he always tells me. Keep my head down and work hard. And he said that I could spend the winter in Texas where I could throw off my mound regularly. “No snow in Houston,” he said. And that way, come spring, I’d be in the best shape I could be.

At the beginning of the year I had a couple of goals. Well, three goals. First, I’d have seventeen wins. Next, I’d have an ERA below three. And finally, I’d have more strikeouts than last year.

Well, it’s only three weeks past the All-Star break. And I’m getting it done. I have my seventeen wins, my ERA is under two and I’m projected to get over 300 strikeouts. This is a wonderful feeling. Like dancing on a cloud.

Skip says he’s proud of me. He also says he knew I could do it. He said I might win 25 if I keep this up. He’s very careful not to say that part of how I got it done was the 4-man rotation. I am aware of that, though. But I also have only two losses. So it’s not just that I’m getting all those extra starts. It’s also that I’m pitching better and the boys are backing me up with their bats.

And I cannot say how much I appreciate the run support. Neal has it really rough in Elmira right now. Not so long ago, he went eight innings and didn’t give up an earned run but got tagged with a loss. And that’s the sort of thing that happens when your boys aren’t hitting the ball.

I think seventeen is worth celebrating. This is the third year I’ve tried to achieve it. I think steaks are appropriate. Big ones. Like at Max. I’m taking the boys. Without them, I couldn’t've done it. Jay and i can have our own private celebration when Allentown gets here. And maybe I’ll have eighteen then.

Thursday night I got the win and I was all set to make the trip to Allentown. I was looking forward to spending time with Jay. And we knew neither of us was going to be pitching. I mean, I pitched on Thursday, right. So I’m not going to pitching in the All-Star game on Saturday on two days’ rest. So Jay and I proceeded to spend Friday night getting hammered. I knew I’d feel miserable on Saturday but since I wouldn’t be pitching, it wouldn’t matter.

And I was miserable. My head hurt, my body ached, my mouth felt like I’d eaten a pair of fuzzy bunny slippers. So I got up, drank some Gatorade and took some aspirin and went to the ballpark. Jay came too. He got to sit in the good seats cuz my parents couldn’t make it up from Texas.

So I’m getting dressed and Michael Thompson (the manager) comes up to me and says that I’m going to start. I thought it was a joke. Alex Williams was on five days rest and everyone knew he’d be starting. But no, it was no joke. He was completely serious. So I started warming up in the bullpen.

Then I went out and pitched three innings. I don’t know how I did it, really. But I gave up three runs on four hits and struck out three. The lights were blinding, the noise from the crowd was painful. Harper Field is a nice park to pitch in if you’re rested and ready. It is not so friendly if you are tired and hung over.

The Boy Scouts’ motto is “Be Prepared.” I wasn’t. And it showed. But next year, I’ll be ready.

Pass me a Corona.

It’s that time of year again. Time for the best and the brightest and a few more to round out the roster come together to play the All-Star game.

This year we have eleven from Hartford: Shannon Young (yes, I’m listed first), Casey Lane, Sauli Vanhanen, Ike Smith, Dirtball LaVillenuve, Hottie Vargas, Michael LeClair, The Doctor, Chris Davids, Grady Chalmers, and Brad Wilgus. Looking at the list, we don’t have any roster-rounders going.

It’ll be interesting to wear the same uniform as Alex Williams. We’ve both been all-stars before, but never in the same dugout. He’ll have plenty of rest so he’ll probably start. I, on the other hand, just pitched two days ago so I’ll be a spectator.

That may be best for all concerned. I had a great beginning to last season but I fell on my ass at the All-Star game. I totally blew chunks. Or as my Dad would say, I “hurled on the mound.” Everyone has games like that. I’m glad it happened in an exhibition game and not a game that counted.

I’m staying with Jay during the break. Being as the game is in Allentown. His place is small but it’s only for a few days. If he’ll let me. He’s starting to pitch better and he was kidding me and said that it’s the time apart that lets him clear his head. Bah. He doesn’t clear his head, he parties. Kinda like me.

No, it’s just a natural variation. I have a degree in statistics. If you look at any series of events, whether they be the result of luck or skill, you’ll see a variance. And if someone is not performing to their level of ability, then that will be reflected in their results. Now when that happens over a sustained period of time, it’s a statistical anomaly. And there’s usually a correction that occurs if there are sufficient events in the series. So whether it’s bad luck or bad pitching, Jay has not been succeeding at the level of his ability. And that should correct itself over time. The layman’s term for this is “slump” and slumps end and people achieve success commensurate with their skill. And Jay’s a better pitcher than his record and ERA show.

Ever had one of those days when nothing seems to go right? The guy ahead of you buys the last poppyseed bagel and the hot chocolate burns your tongue and it just goes downhill from there?

Shannon Young, meet April 25. I put my shoes on the wrong feet and it wasn’t till I was tying the second one that I realized it. And my whole day was like that. When I got to the ballpark I thought I had it under control. I was wrong.

I was only out there for 4.1 before Skip sent me to the showers. And I needed a shower at that point. Eight hits, of which seven went for extra bases. And that tallied up six runs, every one of which was earned. Now, prior to that, I had five starts and only given up five runs total. Then blam! six runs in less than five innings. My ERA went up by a full run. But it’s not about me, it’s about the boys. We lost because I made it impossible for us to win. I knew I’d lose at some point. But I didn’t expect it would be so spectacular.

But I recovered. Against Providence, I went the distance and gave up only one earnie. That was on a Josh Keyes solo shot in the seventh. Jose made an error so we gave up two runs total. But we scored ten.

Six down, eleven to go. I’m more that one-third of the way to seventeen. And even though my ERA jumped up after the game against the Drag-er-Celtics, I’m still under 3.

For the first time since I can remember, Halifax leads the conference. But it’s not all bad news. Jay won again. He gave up only two earnies in 8.2 innings. I kinda feel bad about complaining about my outing against Toronto. Jay’s had several days like that. But I guess it comes down to my being a better pitcher. I should expect more from myself. And most of the time, I’ve been getting it.

The Adams Conference’s best player of the week was Hartford’s Shannon Young, who wins the award for the 3rd time in her career. Shannon went 2-0 with an ERA of 0.50, while fanning 24 in 18 innings of work. She hurled a shutout as well.

Read it. It doesn’t matter what Ben Thompson says about me. I’m player of the week. One run in eighteen innings. I know I can’t continue at this pace–no one wins all of their starts, not even Alex Williams. But I have definitely gotten off on the right foot and I have only fifteen more wins to reach seventeen.

Speaking of Alex Williams, he did it again. A different it. When he does something new, he always pitches exceptionally well. When he became a starter, he celebrated by pitching a perfect game (against me). When he went to the mound in a Halifax Thunder uni for the first time, he celebrated with a no-no. That man is just unreal.

And Jay’s here! He came in a day early. We start a series against the Angels tomorrow and neither team had a game today. Mmmm, I love having him around. I missed him. I missed his strong arms holding me tight. E-mails and IMs are just not the same. He understands about the whole Ben Thompson thing. And he thinks it’s hot that I’m player of the week! And I think that is hot. It’s not about how you look; it’s about who you are. Gabriel Cadden may have been voted the sexiest man in the EPL by female fans, but Jay Feely has been voted the sexiest man in the EPL by female pitchers. And he’s mine.

There is really nothing I can say. Ben Thompson said that I’m having a baby and that he’s the father. That is wrong on so many counts that I don’t even know where to begin.

I guess I’ll start by talking about the cruise. Ben and Jay and I all like a good time and on a cruise ship you can hang out in the lounge pretty much 24/7. So one night we were up late, talking and drinking. We got pretty messed up–or at least I did. And I went back to Jay’s cabin with him. It happened on a cruise ship. There were witnesses. So there’s no point in saying that it happened a different way.

One of the things we talked about was why I hadn’t brought Matty along on the cruise. I told them all about it. How Matty wanted children and how I wanted to pitch and how the two were not compatible. And how neither of us was willing to bend for the other. And how I missed him but it was probably for the best.

And now Ben Thompson is saying it happened differently and that I’m carrying his child. I wouldn’t do it for Matty–you can be damned sure I won’t do it for Ben Thompson. He took my private heartache and turned it into a media event where he was the star. Every time someone asks me about the baby, it’s like being stabbed in the heart. And it’s all because of Ben Thompson and his ego.

I believe that there is justice in the world. I believe that what you do comes back to you. And I’d like to help some of Ben Thompson’s deeds come back to him. If they invite us on that cruise again, Ben Thompson will find himself on intimate terms with the marine life in the Bahamas. And it’s a good thing pitchers don’t bat or he’d find himself on his ass every trip to the plate. And my teammates would back me.

I guess I do know what I can say. Someday, Ben Thompson. Someday….

For two seasons now I’ve set my goal to be seventeen wins.

And for two seasons now, I’ve managed fifteen, though my losses have gone down. And once again, I come to the season a better pitcher than I was before. My stuff is better. My fast balls are faster and my breaking balls break better. My control is better too. I can put it where I want it.

So this year’s the year. Seventeen wins. And I get a little boost from Skip. He’s taking us to a four-man rotation so I’ll get more starts. 25% of 150 is 37 starts. Say we have a spot starter to to take some of those, it’ll still be on the healthy side of 30. I should be able to win 17. I dunno if that’s possible but Arthur C. Clarke once said, “The only way to find the limits of the possible is by going beyond them to the impossible.” So I’ll try to achieve impossible things. Or at least things that were impossible for me in the past. Seventeen wins. An ERA under 3. And the most complete games on the staff.

Duke and Grady and I were out at Outback for steaks earlier tonight and it made me miss Jay. I don’t think he’s met a hunk of beef that he didn’t like. Of course lots of things remind me of Jay. Flowers for example. And spring brings flowers pretty much everywhere you go.

I’m training with Derek Jeter to do better in the clutch. There are people (who don’t play baseball) who say that there isn’t enough of a sample size in clutch situations to measure whether people actually perform better or worse. It’s not about sample size, it’s about attitude. A clutch situation is an opportunity to shine. Treat it like that and you’ll do well. If you think it’s an opportunity to screw up…well, you probably will.

I’m also working on my consistency with Greg Maddux. The guy is phenomenal. This sounds really dumb and obvious, but the best way to be consistent is to do things the same way every time. Find something that works for you and stick with it. I dunno how well this will work for me but I’m gonna do what I always do. My best.

And if I’m good in the clutch and I’m more consistent then seventeen should be achievable.