You’ve all heard the second-hand news. How I’m leaving Hartford to pursue my dreams. now you’re hearing it first-hand. I have a player option and I’m declining it. It’s not that I’m never going back again. I won’t rule out a return to the ‘Hawks. But I can’t pitch like this forever and I have to keep going in the direction that is best for me. Don’t do the easy thing. Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow. Don’t just pick up my option automatically. Do look at what’s out there. Do explore my options. Do think about my future.

I talked to Skip about it. He told me he was disappointed but that he understood. “I know you have to go your own way,” he said, but I know he hopes my own way leads me back to the ‘Hawks next year. And who knows but it might. I talked to Shaner, too. But’s he’s all “I don’t want to hear about why you’re leaving.” He said my reasons aren’t important to him unless they mean he’s not doing his job. And he reminded me that he’d been a player once. He said it’s better to leave when you’re ahead than to wait for the organization to kick you out.

Where will I go? Hi Jay! I’m not coming to Allentown. I love you and you make loving fun, but I’m not going to play on a team with with you. I’m not going to explain it to the lunatic–a simple “no” should be all he needs. And you already know why.

However, the cruise showed me that I can get along with Neal. And he’s a great pitcher, too. And Elmira is in the other conference. I don’t like being in the same conference as Alex Williams. That poll was like a songbird awakening me to the fact that I could easily win the CM if Alex Williams were still with Elmira. Though going there would be like following in his shadow and I don’t think I like it.

And like I said, I’m not ruling out a return to Hartford. Skip has that personal touch that I don’t think a lot of GMs have. Though I know the expansion guys both seem like personable fellows. And that reminds me, I expect Halifax will make an offer but, unless it involves muzzling Ben Thompson, I’m not going to listen very hard to what Micheal Thompson has to say.

OTOH, the flip side of following Alex Williams around is to just go to where he is. And learn from him. He can strike guys out on two pitches. It’s like there’s a little invisible chain between Alex Williams and I. He seems to figure prominently in every scenario. And maybe the chain will bring me to Halifax. I dunno if I want to get closer to him or further away.

It’s not just about the money though. I’m not some gold dust woman. I’m not the feminine version of Easy Pickens. Sure, I’m looking out for my future but I know how a big contract can cripple a team. And who wants to pitch for a crippled team. Hell, Ike got hurt and the team couldn’t pay to heal him up. That’s not right.

I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do. I called home and talked to my dad. “Oh Daddy, listen to me and give me some advice.” He told me what he always tells me. Keep my head down and work hard. And he said that I could spend the winter in Texas where I could throw off my mound regularly. “No snow in Houston,” he said. And that way, come spring, I’d be in the best shape I could be.

Okay, I’m angry. I’m willing to accept that label. I’m willing to identify myself as someone who has anger. And I think everyone here knows who I am angry with and why, but just in case you’re new here, I’m angry at Ben Thompson for saying that I’m carrying his child.

He wanted me to be angry. I cannot think of another plausible reason for him to intentionally provoke me. But I’m not reacting like he expected. I’m not dashing angry tears from my eyes as I look in for the sign. I’m not overthrowing my pitches. I’m not surly with umpires when i don’t get the call.

No, I am angry. I am deeply and profoundly angry. And I could let my anger loose in words and drain my will. Or I could keep the anger in. Grasp it firmly and focus it into my work. I can show Ben Thompson my anger in every pitch I throw to every hitter. And I can win games for my team at the same time. If his goal was to rile me and cause me to pitch sloppy, well, he did the opposite. I am focused and I am a pitching machine right now.

With every pitch, I’m a little calmer. With every strikeout I breathe a little easier. I know that the anger will fade. And I hope that my pitching doesn’t fade with it. That my pitches will remember their flight to the plate and continue on the same flight path even without the anger to guide them.

I am not pregnant. A pregnant woman couldn’t pitch like this. A normal woman couldn’t pitch like this. But I am angry. And my anger empowers me to do great things.

The Adams Conference’s best player of the week was Hartford’s Shannon Young, who wins the award for the 3rd time in her career. Shannon went 2-0 with an ERA of 0.50, while fanning 24 in 18 innings of work. She hurled a shutout as well.

Read it. It doesn’t matter what Ben Thompson says about me. I’m player of the week. One run in eighteen innings. I know I can’t continue at this pace–no one wins all of their starts, not even Alex Williams. But I have definitely gotten off on the right foot and I have only fifteen more wins to reach seventeen.

Speaking of Alex Williams, he did it again. A different it. When he does something new, he always pitches exceptionally well. When he became a starter, he celebrated by pitching a perfect game (against me). When he went to the mound in a Halifax Thunder uni for the first time, he celebrated with a no-no. That man is just unreal.

And Jay’s here! He came in a day early. We start a series against the Angels tomorrow and neither team had a game today. Mmmm, I love having him around. I missed him. I missed his strong arms holding me tight. E-mails and IMs are just not the same. He understands about the whole Ben Thompson thing. And he thinks it’s hot that I’m player of the week! And I think that is hot. It’s not about how you look; it’s about who you are. Gabriel Cadden may have been voted the sexiest man in the EPL by female fans, but Jay Feely has been voted the sexiest man in the EPL by female pitchers. And he’s mine.

There is really nothing I can say. Ben Thompson said that I’m having a baby and that he’s the father. That is wrong on so many counts that I don’t even know where to begin.

I guess I’ll start by talking about the cruise. Ben and Jay and I all like a good time and on a cruise ship you can hang out in the lounge pretty much 24/7. So one night we were up late, talking and drinking. We got pretty messed up–or at least I did. And I went back to Jay’s cabin with him. It happened on a cruise ship. There were witnesses. So there’s no point in saying that it happened a different way.

One of the things we talked about was why I hadn’t brought Matty along on the cruise. I told them all about it. How Matty wanted children and how I wanted to pitch and how the two were not compatible. And how neither of us was willing to bend for the other. And how I missed him but it was probably for the best.

And now Ben Thompson is saying it happened differently and that I’m carrying his child. I wouldn’t do it for Matty–you can be damned sure I won’t do it for Ben Thompson. He took my private heartache and turned it into a media event where he was the star. Every time someone asks me about the baby, it’s like being stabbed in the heart. And it’s all because of Ben Thompson and his ego.

I believe that there is justice in the world. I believe that what you do comes back to you. And I’d like to help some of Ben Thompson’s deeds come back to him. If they invite us on that cruise again, Ben Thompson will find himself on intimate terms with the marine life in the Bahamas. And it’s a good thing pitchers don’t bat or he’d find himself on his ass every trip to the plate. And my teammates would back me.

I guess I do know what I can say. Someday, Ben Thompson. Someday….

YES!!! After all his talk and swagger, when it came right down to it, I outpitched him. Now, I know that he and Casey have a deal going about who wins their head-to-head matchups. But Casey is ever so much better than I am. He has a CM to prove it.

There are some days when everything goes right. They almost went right for Ben Thompson too. He allowed one run in the first. Grady singled to start the game and then stole second. Hottie brought him home. But that was the only run the boys were able to tag him with. I have the best boys in the world, but Ben Thompson is a great pitcher. He gave up 5 hits in 7.1 innings. And he struck out eight.

That would usually be good enough for a win. But I was pitching some of my best ball ever. I struck out fifteen Halifax batters. I gave up six hits, but they were scattered. And I pitched the whole game. I threw 129 pitches.

That would be a good performance from anyone. But from me, it’s fantastic. My ERA is now under 2. W-L record is not something a pitcher has direct control over–ask Ben Thompson. But ERA is. And I am very happy with my ERA. If I keep pitching like this, the wins will come.