Katherine Louise McAfee, known to me as Aunt Katy, passed away in the hospital on Friday, May 12, 2014. Yesterday. The cause of death is officially pneumonia, but it was the cancer that made her so weak that pneumonia could get her. Aunt Katy was 66 and while that’s not young, it’s not really old, either.

For the past three seasons, I’ve worn a pink ribbon on my cap to raise awareness for breast cancer. I’ve also donated money to Susan G. Komen for the Cure. And I’ve watched Aunt Katy battle this horrible disease. Twice it looked like she was winning, but then the cancer would be back. And the treatment would begin again. This time, while she was receiving her chemotherapy treatments, she got sick. And her system was too weak to handle it.

Aunt Katy was fun. She would sometimes catch me when I threw off the mound my dad built. But that’s not her secret. Aunt Katy played video games. And she played them well. Old games, new games, she could pick up a game she’d never seen and be beating it in a couple of days. One of the things I looked forward to when Alex and I visited her house was her vast collection of games. Games you never heard of and game systems they don’t make anymore. The last time I was at her house, we played some NEBL 2013 All Star and she kicked my butt. I don’t quite have the hang of pitching in that game, so having Alex Williams didn’t help me.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and throughout the league, teams will be conducting activities to raise breast cancer awareness. Some teams will use pink bats. Some teams will wear special jerseys. Some teams will wear pink ribbons on their jerseys and have pink wristbands. And I’ll be one of them, though I don’t pitch till Monday. The truth is, there are some things more powerful than science and medicine and cancer is one of them. And anything we can do to help change that is important.

Aunt Katy and i used to exchange e-mails. The last thing we talked about, before she went to the hospital was her cats. I guess they’ll go somewhere now. I think her friend Lydia was taking care of them while Aunt Katy was in the hospital but they’ll need a permanent home. Katy had just gotten all their shots and stuff so they could continue to go outside periodically. She was debating about turning them into indoor cats to save the money on their vaccinations. I told her to do what she wanted and that I’ve got plenty of money. Benjamin and Fiona are fine feline citizens (okay, Benjamin nips when he doesn’t get enough attention) and if they like it outside, they should be able to go.

I wish we’d've talked about something more important. There is no one else in the world like Aunt Katy. And now she’s gone. There’s a hole in my life that can’t be filled. Aunt Katy, I know you can read this. They have to have the internet in heaven. I love you.

A new day. A new season. Time to start over. The slate is clean right now. I have no record. No ERA. No strikeouts. Nothing. And neither does anyone else. We’re all even right now. Me, Alex Williams, everyone.

Alex Williams is one of the big name free agents this off-season. And I don’t know where he’ll end up. I know that Ryan was interested in him. But I also know that he’ll command a big salary and that that number may be more than the Angels can afford. I’m sure I could learn a lot from him if he came here, but I still think Nolan Ryan is the greatest living pitcher. And he’s wearing an Angels’ jersey.

I had a great time in Montreal. In many ways, it exceeded my expectations. I now know a few phrases in French, though I don’t know how to write them. The two most important things to know in any language are “please” and “thank you”. If you attempt to speak to people in their language, they’ll treat you better than if you don’t. (This I know from growing up in Texas–there are many people in Texas who speak Spanish as their primary language.) It’s not that they treat you bad otherwise. It’s that they recognize you’re making an effort.

I’m excited to be starting a new season. I’ve worked over the offseason and I even spent some time during spring training talking to a sports psychologist. He helped me to internalize some of advice that I’ve been given. The biggest thing is that he reminded me that I’m good enough. I’m a major league pitcher. I’m not the best pitcher in the league but I don’t need to be. What I need is to be the best pitcher I can be. And that I need to stop trying to pitch like someone else and pitch like myself. Alex Williams may strike out every other batter he faces, but that’s not my idiom and I should pitch within myself. Will this new attitude make a difference? We’ll see.

So I’m cursed. Well, maybe not. Maybe I’m half-cursed. It turns out that Doc saved my AW game ball and put in some other ball. So they may have paid for a curse but they didn’t get it. And Thursday after I beat Hartford, Doc and I went out to Max’s and had steak and he gave me my ball back. Along with some good chocolate and flowers (purple hyacinths and white zinnias). That was totally sweet of him. We talked for a long time, about the curse and about the team. He invited me back to his place for a few drinks. Then he sent me back to my hotel in a cab. Neither of us was very tipsy but it’s better to make sure.

Then, we beat Hartford again. Weiss (who is awesome, make no mistake) beat Ali Hussain, Hartford’s prodigal son. And I went to Mill on the River with Hottie. He brought me something, too. Apparently purple hyacinths mean “I’m Sorry” because that’s two nights in a row. I have made my peace with Hottie. We went to his place for a couple ‘ritas and I ended up staying later than I expected. He really is sorry. He explained how it happened. It’s just that he and Doc are macho guys and they each had to top each other in what they’d do. So it starts out small with “My aunt’s a Voodoo lady” and escalates slowly into “Let’s hire her” and then into “Lets steal one of Shannon’s balls”. And he says he’s responsible for his part but that he can’t apologize for Doc’s part. Never fear, Doc apologized. He said he’s glad I got my ball back.

So, it wasn’t my ball that the voodoo lady had, so there was no curse. Or maybe there was, but it wasn’t the problem. My ERA is under 4. That’s respectable for a starting pitcher. Dirtball says he doesn’t believe in curses, maybe I should listen to him.

Dirtball. When we came here together, he was there for me. But I wore him out. He was treating me like his pet project and it wasn’t working so he threw up his hands and walked away. He’s still the best catcher on the field but off the field he’s got more important things to deal with than my problems. I can respect that, even if I’m not happy about it.

Yeah, right they cursed me. That’s how I went to Hartford and outpitched their ace and team captain, Casey Lane. The thing is, after that game is when Doc had his press conference. So no one knew the details. Well, now we know more.

And I know more than that. Doc’s number is still in my phone. So I called him. I wanted to find out about it. And you know, he apologized to me. He didn’t mean for it to get as serious as it did, but he and the other guy were both being macho and neither wanted to be the one to back down. So they egged each other on into doing this.

He was genuinely sorry. So I made a date with him for dinner next time I’m in Hartford so we can really talk. That’ll be the end of the month.

And I know who the other guy is. None other than Hottie. I haven’t called him yet. Since he’s the one who stole my ball. From when i beat Alex Williams. I need to simmer down before I call him or I will call him names.

Now Doc said he kept my ball for me. That he liked me too much. That’s one of the things we’ll be doing in Hartford–he’ll give me my ball back. I dunno what ball they gave to the voodoo lady and If it’s not my AW ball or my first win ball, etc. then I’m okay. But it’s the idea that Hottie would do that — help me get stuff packed and then take something that means so much to me. I just …. grrr.

I don’t believe in voodoo. Oh, I believe in bad luck and in charms and stuff to break it, but I don’t think you can cause someone else to have bad luck. And the way to break their alleged curse …. I need to sleep with each of them … that wouldn’t be too bad, actually. They’re both hot and they’re both good guys (except for this curse nonsense). I can’t believe they thought the only way to get me would be to put a whammy on me. I guess some guys just don’t pay attention. A nice dinner, some dancing, a few margaritas ….

I got my run. Two of them actually. The winners of steak dinners are Mac and Big Jimmy Harring. Mac walked and then scored on Big Jimmy’s double. I said last time there’d be a reward for scoring a run and pushing it across. I’m happy they got it done in the first inning. In the second inning, Alex Buckley led off with a solo shot. That’s two runs they’ve scored for me. Yay!

I’m not happy we lost. I pitched nine innings but it went 10. I was doing a good job of keeping the ball down and so most of my outs were on the ground. I struck out 11 and only walked one and I just gave up two runs. But that set the stage for them scoring a third run in the tenth. The bright spot is that someone scored runs for me. But we lost the game so in the scheme of things it wasn’t very good.

And then I matched up against Alex Williams. Of course our boys couldn’t score off him and I ended up losing that one. It wasn’t my best pitching effort, but it wasn’t bad. My ERA is down to 3.17, which is about where it was for my sophomore season. Considering that it was as high as 8.25 this year I can’t complain. ERA is like weight. It’s always harder to shave off the last bit than the first bit. If you remove my first two games, my ERA would be 2.43. So now it’s just a matter of pushing it down that last little bit.

Ryan said we’re going to a 4-man rotation. Aaron Jackson is the odd man out. His ERA is over 5 and Ryan thinks it might be better for him to remove the pressure of being a major league starter. I like the idea of a four-man rotation. More work for me and I had my best year as part of a four-man in Hartford. I don’t mean the counting stats, either. I mean my ERA and WHIP and K/9 and stuff.

While I’m here… Not too long ago, Michael LeClair posted an update to his blog where he talked about me. Opinions are like noses–everyone has one. But I gotta say that if he doesn’t like reading about what goes on in my life off the field then he needs to read the newspaper. This is a blog, not a box score. And it’s funny how he went on at length in his blog about his domestic life right after complaining about me. I guess all that off-field talk snuck in there while he wasn’t looking.

I lost to Hartford. 3-0. I lost to the Celtics 2-0. The thing that they have in common is the nothing. That’s the kind of support I got from my new boys here. Nothing.

So I looked it up. We are 8th in runs scored. Hartford is 1st. I never had to worry about run support before. I took it for granted. Well, I can’t anymore. And I don’t want to sound like I’m dissing the boys. I know and they know that they can’t all be Jesse Vargas or Michael LeClair. But somehow I was expecting something. And it wasn’t to be shut out in back to back quality starts.

Right about now there are a couple different things going on in my mind. The first one is that maybe I should’ve stayed put where I was instead of gone looking for greener pastures. Annie says there were things I was unhappy with in Hartford, but I’m forgetting them or glossing over them because I’m felling nostalgic. I haven’t talked to Ryan yet. Nolan says that some days you have to pitch a no-hitter and drive one out of the park during your AB if you want to get the win. Was it really like that before the DH? Anyway, his point is that if you can keep them off the board, the boys will have a better chance. My point is that it’s a team and we pick each other up. So if I let a couple guys cross the plate, then my teammates will step it up for me and score some runs.

The other thing is if I’d gone to some other team then this would be what I was expecting and it wouldn’t bother me so much.

Dirtball said to focus on me. If I keep pitching well, the wins will come. Dirtball is great. He’s the greatest catcher I’ve ever had. He helps keep my outlook positive.

Yeah, if I pitch great, I’ll get the wins. I gotta remember that it’s also about the other guy on the mound. I didn’t have this kinda fit when I lost to Alex Williams because everyone loses to Alex Williams. Well, people lose to Ryan Moore and Paul Endicott, too. It’s not like I lost to Homer Simpson.

I have a nickname. I didn’t think it would stick or I’d've mentioned it sooner. It started in the first game on Opening Day. I had a 2-2 count on a guy and Dirtball gives me the sign and I don’t like it. So he gives me the same sign again. And I still don’t like it. So he comes out to the mound and says to me, “Look, Ace if you wanna get this guy, you have to throw” a particular pitch. Okay, we worked out what I was gonna throw and I didn’t think anything of it.

After the game, he called me “Ace” in front of some of the other guys and they laughed. But then King started using it. And pretty soon everyone was calling me “Ace”. Even Nolan and the boss. So I guess I have a nickname.

It’s renewed my resolve to pitch better. I want people to call me “Ace” because I pitch like one. I don’t want it to be a mocking name. And so who do I come up against? My old nemesis, Alex Williams. So I pitch a quality start and an extra couple innings. But a three-run deficit against him is like a nine-run deficit other places. And the boys couldn’t climb out of that hole. I think the next time time we have a meeting before we play him and I talk about how me and the old boys beat AW in the playoffs. And my new boys are just as good. So maybe they hadn’t seen it from that angle before.

And then, I got a win. Against Providence, but they all count the same. Dirtball said, “Ace, you’re on a one-game winning streak!” I hit him with a towel. But that is a good way to look at it. It’s a streak. And I can add to the streak next start. We’re going to Toronto next. I’m not sure what a Celtic is but they don’t scare me.

Ace. Well I’ve never had a nickname before. There are worse ones out there.

I’m being courted. By a number of teams. I’ve gotten offers and I know I’ll get a few more. I’ve heard some interesting reasons why I should join this team or that team. Some of them have to do with Alex Williams. One team suggested that it wouldn’t mean as much to win an award if I didn’t beat AW to do it. I hadn’t thought of it that way. But it’s not just about awards.

Dirtball is also a FA and he made a comment about that. Well not exactly. But he said that it wasn’t about awards–he wants to be on a winning team. Now that rules out the HC. Seriously, the idea is that hopefully I would help a team to be a winning team. That my presence would make an impact. There were three HC teams hovering around .500 at the end of the season. Any one of which I could’ve helped over the hump.

And I think that no one can touch Alex Williams. When he was born, the gods smiled on him and anointed him the best. And, yes, I beat him. But it was only one game. And second best is first loser. And I don’t want that.

I think I know where I want to go. But they haven’t made me an offer yet, so I’m not sure. There’s still plenty of time. I might sound like I’m in a hurry but this is a life choice I’ll be making. I’ll be committing years of my life and work to an organization. So I don’t want to be too quick.

And one day I was staring God in the face. And he blinked.

It was Game 4 of the Adams Conference playoffs. A win for Hartford would mean advancing to the Patriot Cup finals. And it was me against Alex Williams. He beat me bad in Game 1. I gave up seven earnies to his two. And he’d only lost two games all year. His ERA for the year was smaller than my WHIP.

I got ready to do the only thing I could do and hope to secure a win for our team. Hang in there tooth and nail and keep them off the board till we got to his bullpen. In Game 1 they slapped me around. I didn’t want that happening again.

So I go out there on the mound and we had two scoreless innings. Then from the dugout I see it. An RBI double and a 2-run triple. So I start the third with a three run lead. And I ended the third with a three run lead. In the fifth, the boys put up another run. And it was like that. The 7th, nothing. The eighth, we get two more runs. And then the ninth, nothing. So that’s your final, 6-0 ‘Hawks all the way.

I didn’t think it was possible. Or rather I thought I was attempting something that I couldn’t succeed at. But Skip had called me “The Williams Slayer” in the pitchers and catchers meeting. And we talked about his weaknesses and how he did lose twice this year so we knew he could be beaten. And if one of our pitchers were going to beat him, it would have to be me with my low ERA, low WHIP and high K ratio. I was the best option.

w00t! And I came through. No runs on six hits and 12 strikeouts. So when we had our champagne to celebrate winning the conference title, I got some extra attention from the boys. I gotta love the Doctor though. He sprayed my whole front and said “Wet T-Shirt Contest!’ Then the guys voted on my body parts, which was the best. My arm won. Aw, I love these guys. I loved Hottie especially “With the arm, she’s not just a woman, but a dominating pitcher. You can find beautiful women everywhere but not beatuiful women who pitch.”

I heard whisperings that the guys are going to do something special for me but no one will tell me what it is.

And I’ve already gotten contacted by someone who wants the jersey I wore.

You’ve all heard the second-hand news. How I’m leaving Hartford to pursue my dreams. now you’re hearing it first-hand. I have a player option and I’m declining it. It’s not that I’m never going back again. I won’t rule out a return to the ‘Hawks. But I can’t pitch like this forever and I have to keep going in the direction that is best for me. Don’t do the easy thing. Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow. Don’t just pick up my option automatically. Do look at what’s out there. Do explore my options. Do think about my future.

I talked to Skip about it. He told me he was disappointed but that he understood. “I know you have to go your own way,” he said, but I know he hopes my own way leads me back to the ‘Hawks next year. And who knows but it might. I talked to Shaner, too. But’s he’s all “I don’t want to hear about why you’re leaving.” He said my reasons aren’t important to him unless they mean he’s not doing his job. And he reminded me that he’d been a player once. He said it’s better to leave when you’re ahead than to wait for the organization to kick you out.

Where will I go? Hi Jay! I’m not coming to Allentown. I love you and you make loving fun, but I’m not going to play on a team with with you. I’m not going to explain it to the lunatic–a simple “no” should be all he needs. And you already know why.

However, the cruise showed me that I can get along with Neal. And he’s a great pitcher, too. And Elmira is in the other conference. I don’t like being in the same conference as Alex Williams. That poll was like a songbird awakening me to the fact that I could easily win the CM if Alex Williams were still with Elmira. Though going there would be like following in his shadow and I don’t think I like it.

And like I said, I’m not ruling out a return to Hartford. Skip has that personal touch that I don’t think a lot of GMs have. Though I know the expansion guys both seem like personable fellows. And that reminds me, I expect Halifax will make an offer but, unless it involves muzzling Ben Thompson, I’m not going to listen very hard to what Micheal Thompson has to say.

OTOH, the flip side of following Alex Williams around is to just go to where he is. And learn from him. He can strike guys out on two pitches. It’s like there’s a little invisible chain between Alex Williams and I. He seems to figure prominently in every scenario. And maybe the chain will bring me to Halifax. I dunno if I want to get closer to him or further away.

It’s not just about the money though. I’m not some gold dust woman. I’m not the feminine version of Easy Pickens. Sure, I’m looking out for my future but I know how a big contract can cripple a team. And who wants to pitch for a crippled team. Hell, Ike got hurt and the team couldn’t pay to heal him up. That’s not right.

I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do. I called home and talked to my dad. “Oh Daddy, listen to me and give me some advice.” He told me what he always tells me. Keep my head down and work hard. And he said that I could spend the winter in Texas where I could throw off my mound regularly. “No snow in Houston,” he said. And that way, come spring, I’d be in the best shape I could be.