Katherine Louise McAfee, known to me as Aunt Katy, passed away in the hospital on Friday, May 12, 2014. Yesterday. The cause of death is officially pneumonia, but it was the cancer that made her so weak that pneumonia could get her. Aunt Katy was 66 and while that’s not young, it’s not really old, either.

For the past three seasons, I’ve worn a pink ribbon on my cap to raise awareness for breast cancer. I’ve also donated money to Susan G. Komen for the Cure. And I’ve watched Aunt Katy battle this horrible disease. Twice it looked like she was winning, but then the cancer would be back. And the treatment would begin again. This time, while she was receiving her chemotherapy treatments, she got sick. And her system was too weak to handle it.

Aunt Katy was fun. She would sometimes catch me when I threw off the mound my dad built. But that’s not her secret. Aunt Katy played video games. And she played them well. Old games, new games, she could pick up a game she’d never seen and be beating it in a couple of days. One of the things I looked forward to when Alex and I visited her house was her vast collection of games. Games you never heard of and game systems they don’t make anymore. The last time I was at her house, we played some NEBL 2013 All Star and she kicked my butt. I don’t quite have the hang of pitching in that game, so having Alex Williams didn’t help me.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and throughout the league, teams will be conducting activities to raise breast cancer awareness. Some teams will use pink bats. Some teams will wear special jerseys. Some teams will wear pink ribbons on their jerseys and have pink wristbands. And I’ll be one of them, though I don’t pitch till Monday. The truth is, there are some things more powerful than science and medicine and cancer is one of them. And anything we can do to help change that is important.

Aunt Katy and i used to exchange e-mails. The last thing we talked about, before she went to the hospital was her cats. I guess they’ll go somewhere now. I think her friend Lydia was taking care of them while Aunt Katy was in the hospital but they’ll need a permanent home. Katy had just gotten all their shots and stuff so they could continue to go outside periodically. She was debating about turning them into indoor cats to save the money on their vaccinations. I told her to do what she wanted and that I’ve got plenty of money. Benjamin and Fiona are fine feline citizens (okay, Benjamin nips when he doesn’t get enough attention) and if they like it outside, they should be able to go.

I wish we’d've talked about something more important. There is no one else in the world like Aunt Katy. And now she’s gone. There’s a hole in my life that can’t be filled. Aunt Katy, I know you can read this. They have to have the internet in heaven. I love you.

So I’ve tried all kinds of things to help my pitching. One of the things Nolan had been trying to get me to try was a change-up. He said he honestly didn’t see how I’d managed to get to where I am without one. So it’s something I was working on during spring training. We didn’t tell anybody because we wanted it to be a surprise. Well, I’ve surprised some guys with it, but I think I need to get a little more comfortable with it before i can legitimately say it’s part of my repertoire.

I don’t know what it is. I don’t want to make it sound like I’m blaming my teammates because I’m not. But something about being here seems to bring out the worst in me. I came here because of the promising situation but I’m here now and the promise lies unfulfilled. I know that I’m a good pitcher. Maybe not the best, but pretty damn good. But It doesn’t seem to make a difference. I can’t seem to pitch well here.

So, it’s not me. And it’s not the team (this team went to the Patriot Cup). It’s some sort of interaction between us. Like oil and water. Nothing wrong with either one, but they don’t work together well. It’s like there’s a missing ingredient. Something that could make it all work. I don’t know what it is. I love the boys and I think this is a great team. But i don’t feel like this is what anyone expected. It’s certainly not what anyone wants.

Right now my ERA is at 3.90. That’s under four so I’m not going to feel bad about it. That’s over three so I’m not going to feel good about it either. I’m 1-1 in five starts. I’ve pitched 32.1 innings and have 33 strikeouts. On the surface, that looks good. The thing is, I’m still thinking that I need to strike guys out. I’m not trusting my team to be there in the field for me. I’m working on it. This might be what I’m missing. Trust. And this goes both ways. Because of my record, the boys don’t trust me to pitch well and they try to make up for it at the plate. Too hard sometimes. I’m trying to build trust from my side, one pitch at a time. I’m trying to learn to trust them more and to make myself more trustworthy.

A new day. A new season. Time to start over. The slate is clean right now. I have no record. No ERA. No strikeouts. Nothing. And neither does anyone else. We’re all even right now. Me, Alex Williams, everyone.

Alex Williams is one of the big name free agents this off-season. And I don’t know where he’ll end up. I know that Ryan was interested in him. But I also know that he’ll command a big salary and that that number may be more than the Angels can afford. I’m sure I could learn a lot from him if he came here, but I still think Nolan Ryan is the greatest living pitcher. And he’s wearing an Angels’ jersey.

I had a great time in Montreal. In many ways, it exceeded my expectations. I now know a few phrases in French, though I don’t know how to write them. The two most important things to know in any language are “please” and “thank you”. If you attempt to speak to people in their language, they’ll treat you better than if you don’t. (This I know from growing up in Texas–there are many people in Texas who speak Spanish as their primary language.) It’s not that they treat you bad otherwise. It’s that they recognize you’re making an effort.

I’m excited to be starting a new season. I’ve worked over the offseason and I even spent some time during spring training talking to a sports psychologist. He helped me to internalize some of advice that I’ve been given. The biggest thing is that he reminded me that I’m good enough. I’m a major league pitcher. I’m not the best pitcher in the league but I don’t need to be. What I need is to be the best pitcher I can be. And that I need to stop trying to pitch like someone else and pitch like myself. Alex Williams may strike out every other batter he faces, but that’s not my idiom and I should pitch within myself. Will this new attitude make a difference? We’ll see.