I’d wake up at night with the smell of the ballpark in my nose, the cool of the grass on my feet…

Shoeless Joe says that in the movie “Field of Dreams”. That’s what it’s like the week before spring training. Though it’s not the grass for me, but the mound. And now we’re here! It’s been an eventful winter but we’re all ready to play ball again. Pitchers and catchers have been here for awhile and the rest of the boys have been trickling in. Tomorrow’s the first day that they’re all required to be here. And so now the entire bunch has arrived.

This should be a good year for us. Last year was a fluke and I really believe we can go all the way. And the boys all believe it, too. And I think that’s going to be our slogan. Believe it! I know we have a lot of doubters, but we’ll show them.

This year I’m working on my movement. I want my breaking pitches to break better than they have been. Shaner says there’s a few things I can try. That it’s a combination of how I hold the ball and how I release it. So we’re making adjustments. And they seem to be working. I won’t know until I get into a real game with real hitters.

And I also need to polish my control. A lot of people think it’s about hitting the strike zone. Control isn’t about putting the ball in the strike zone–it’s about putting the ball where you want it. The strike zone is big enough that you should be able to target a specific area. And that’s something I could use some improvement on.

I miss Jay. But the season starts in a few weeks, and we’ll have a chance to see each other. Duke thinks I’m nuts. I think maybe some of the other boys do, too, but they’re nice enough to keep their opinions to themselves. Duke was in love with me for awhile and he somehow thinks he needs to look out for me. I’m a big girl. I can look out for myself.

Well, the cruise is over. And I had a blast. I discovered a few things about myself. And I discovered a few things about Jay Feely, too.

Jay lives in Hartford. He’s been spending a lot of time over here. I’ve spent some time at his place, too. That’s why I haven’t blogged for awhile. Right now, we’re planning to be together until pitchers and catchers report on February 15th. Then we’ll go our separate ways until the schedule brings us together again.

We’ve been doing a lot of things together. We go out and throw together, too. Right now I’m better than Jay. He says it doesn’t bother him. I think it’s because we’re in separate conferences. We’re not competing for leaderboard space. For the heck of it, we went to the batting cages yesterday. That was great fun and we’ll probably do it again. Pitchers don’t normally get to hit, although I have three hits in twelve at-bats since I joined Hartford. One of those hits was a double, too. Jay’s never gotten a hit in a game, though he did have some at-bats with Portland, during his rookie season. But he showed me he knows how to handle a bat.

Because of what happened with Matty and I, Jay and I have talked about the future. And he’s not interested in kids. He thinks they’d get in his way and keep him from living his life the way he’d like. I don’t have anything against children but pitching comes first in my life. I’m almost 30. If I pitch too many more years, I’ll be too old to have children. And I can live with that. At some point, I may change my mind, but I don’t expect to. I have a niece and my brother may have more children. It’s not like our family line depends on me to continue it.

Here it is the second week of January and already I’m breaking one of my resolutions. There’s a quote that applies here:

He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; he who makes one is a fool.
- F.M. Knowles

So I’m a weakling and a fool. Good way to start off the year, that.

Jay Feely is a party animal. You can tell from his blog. He loves to have a good time. And now we’re having lots of good times together. Yes, I have a man in my life. I know I said I wouldn’t. I know what happened last time. But it’ll be different this time.

It sorta happened by accident. We were doing karaoke together on the second night (it was a planned activity – we’re celebrities so people wanted to see us singing). And the emcee had Jay and I sing “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” together. After which Jay told me that he’d bring me flowers. I told him that doesn’t work aboard ship but that he could buy me a drink. And he did both. I dunno where he got the flowers. I got to know him a little better while I was sipping a few ‘ritas. Then we went dancing the next night. That was not a planned activity. And we’ve been together ever since.

So I’m a weakling and a fool. Maybe. But Jay might be the right guy. And I’m willing to give it one more try. I was sure I was through with ballplayers, but Jay changed my mind. For one thing, he’s older than I am. Both Neal and Matty are younger. I know Jay’s got sort of a bad-boy reputation but he’s really not like that.

I’m really enjoying this cruise and a part of me wishes it were two more weeks instead of two more days until we returned. But I also miss baseball. I miss pitching. So the cruise will have to come to an end before I can pitch again.

I do love how they have the internet aboard ship. There’s a lounge with a bunch of computers and they use some sort of satellite connection. I just had to try it. But back to the business of this cruise–having fun with Jay.

We had a nice Christmas here in Texas. The best present I got was a hand-knit top from my Aunt Katy. It’s glittery and purple and has a surplice neck that’s very flattering. What makes it the best is that it wasn’t just something she bought. And she knows my favorite color. Oh, it’s not overpowering glittery. It has little glints of silver and shiny purple. I will definitely wear it when I go on the cruise.

So it’s time to make my resolutions. I think my big one is that I’m going to go a whole season without a man in my life. I’m not ready to be let down again. And I don’t know any guys. Except the guys on my team and they’re off-limits. It doesn’t matter how luscious the Doctor looks or that he’s really a terrific guy. I am not dating anyone on this team.

As for my pitching, I’m going to be more consistent. I’m not a bad pitcher, just an inconsistent one and if I can get that under control, then I have a chance to be great. I’ve had flashes of greatness. You don’t win Pitcher of the Month by being mediocre. What I want to do is pitch at that level all the time. It’s not about the awards–it’s about getting wins for the team.

Oh, and last but not least, I’ll be nice to Neal on the cruise. Even if he isn’t nice to me. My mama said that I shouldn’t've accepted the invitation. That I don’t need the money and that if I wanted to go on a cruise they have any number of them leaving from Galveston and I could go on one of those. I told her that when I accepted, Neal wasn’t on the guest list. She said i could’ve told them I wasn’t going if he was going. But I’m a big girl and I can behave myself. And Neal’s a professional. There shouldn’t be any problems.

I’m going on a cruise. Fox Tours and the NEBL have joined up to offer an NEBL-themed cruise to the Bahamas. I’m not the only NEBL player who’s been asked. It’s all pitchers this year, starting off with Rooster VanSpice the AC CM winner. And there will be other great pitchers there as well. Casey, Ben Thompson, Weiss King. And Neal. The advertising makes no bones about the fact that I was invited along because I’m female. But hey, they’re paying me to cruise the Bahamas. That’s hard to say “no” to in any case.

The literature about the cruise mentions some of the amenities. There’s a gym and a casino on board as well as a swimming pool. There will be six meals a day served to passengers. No, that’s six *sumptuous* meals. If I choose to partake of too many of those, I’ll need to spend some quality time in the gym working it off.

Because I’m one of the celebrities, I don’t have to share my room, but I can if I want to bring someone along. I want to invite Matty. I want to be with him. I want to see him and touch him again. And then sanity prevails. Matty doesn’t want to be with me. He wants to be with someone who acts like me and who does other things like me but who wants to settle down and raise a family of young ballplayers. I am not ready for that. I may never be. Skipping a season to have a baby is not going to happen in my career.

I’ve been seeing a therapist. His name is Dr. Love (go on, laugh, but that’s his real name). He said I should think about finding other friends to spend time with (Not just hanging out and drinking with the guys on my team). He said the cruise would offer me a chance to meet people I wouldn’t ordinarily meet and that i should make the most of that opportunity. He said the best cure for a broken heart is love, but you have to be open to it.

It’s been said that there’s no crying in baseball. That may be true, but there’s certainly other kinds of carrying on. Yelling things at people. Kicking things. Throwing things. I said once before that this sort of behavior doesn’t impress Skip. It still doesn’t. But right now we’re a pretty unimpressive team.

Every year that I’ve been playing here–every year that I’ve been playing pro ball–we’ve gone to the playoffs. We did again this year. But then we couldn’t get it done. We choked. And Ben Thompson and the rest of his Bangor gang (er, Halifax) are bound for the championship series.

Patriot Cup or Bust! We busted. We never even had a chance to face Alex Williams and Darth O’Rourke. We couldn’t play good enough ball to get past the Thunder.

So that’s how the season ends for me. With a playoff loss. And I’m alone. I don’t think I could be more miserable right now. Shaner says that sometimes you lose. He pointed out the fact that the bullpen gave up runs, too. And that we lost three games, not one. So it’s not all on me.

I don’t feel any better though. There’s a thing called the butterfly effect. How the air currents stirred by a butterfly’s wings can become a storm under the right conditions. Maybe it’s like that. Some little thing that doesn’t look all that significant turned out to be what made it all happen that way. It could be a strike call or a safe call. Whatever. That’s why they say it’s a game of inches. Well, inches add up to miles and we lost by a mile.

And I’m alone. I cannot adequately describe how I feel. There’s a big Matty-sized hole in my life. We shouldn’t be together, but that doesn’t make me miss him any less. No more calls. No more text messages. No more IMs. No more hugs. No more blondies. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to try again.

I did it again. I lost one and I won one. So that’s 4-4 on my last eight. I’m projecting to 16-6. That’s the same as last week and it’s still not what I want. I want 17. To get that, I’ll need to win three of my last four starts. It’s possible. I just have to play them one game at a time and see what happens.

Matty and I had a fight. It was about our future. He and I have different views and I basically told him that this wasn’t going to work out. It’s not anybody’s fault, really. We just hadn’t really talked about it before. And I’m not really ready to make plans for what I’ll do after baseball. I want to see how much I can accomplish. And I thought that Matty understood. Nolan Ryan pitched for over 20 years. If I pitch anywehere near that long, I’ll be too old to have children. And at this point, I can’t imagine giving up pitching to start a family.

I told him to go find a girl who didn’t play baseball. There are a lot of them out there. And surely one of them would be willing to settle down with him. Or if he just wants a baby, he can get with that floozy who’s suing Billy Madison. I think that’s when he lost it.

I don’t want people to get the wrong idea. Matty is a wonderful person and I love him. But we have no future together. After we were both calm, we talked about it and agreed to go our separate ways.

But some things don’t change. Next time i see him in the batter’s box, I’ll K his ass.

I’ve lost three of my last six starts. I’ve also won three. If that trend continues, I’ll be 16-7. That sixteen will be close to my goal, but dammit, I want seventeen games. I can do it. I just need to win four more. I have six more starts coming.

I’m not gonna deny it. It has been tougher now that I’m in the three spot. But I think I’m up to the challenge. I just have to step it up is all. I know I can get it done. Shaner says that I need to quit worrying about the next six starts and focus on the next start. Keep my head in the game I’m pitching today, not the one I’ll be pitching next week and not the one I pitched last week. That’s easier said than done.

When Matty was here, he didn’t play against me. Again. I’m sure the lunatic is doing this deliberately for some drunken reason that makes no sense to anyone but him. Maybe next time he’ll drink himself into a stupor and Annie can do the lineup. Oh wait, she’s no fan of Matty’s either. I’m sure she’d let him play but she’d want a little something in return. And I already know that Matty wouldn’t make that deal.

That’s okay. I can beat his ass in the NEBL: Inside the Lines game. Sometimes. He’s taken me deep on a couple of occasions but I’ve also set him down looking. A video game is not the same thing as real life, but it’s what we got right now. And a solid single for Matty and a strikeout for me on the field.